12 September, 2005

do i contradict myself? very well then...

Well, well, well.

Apologies in advance, as this will be a very self-absorbed blog. To keep you entertained while I ramble, here is a pretty picture of some walruses fucking:

Looks like fun, huh? Now, down to business...

So the Ryan saga took a turn for the worst. Not going to go into details; everyone's heard enough of me and my crisis lately. But basically I was forced to come to terms with the fact that it was all over.

Being fairly well devastated, I drank myself into a stupour and was kept company by Ms Snazzles and Mme Moodles on Friday night, until they left for bed, and I turned for solace to online friends, who endured my miserable ranting long into the night (thanks
David, Kyle, etc). Basically I didn't want to write-off everything Ryan and I have had. I didn't want to go back to feeling single and un-lovable. I didn't want to NOT be with Ryan. But I also fucking REFUSE to be treated like I mean nothing.

Well, late on Saturday night, after comforting myself with The West Wing avec my gals, I finally managed to get through to Rye on the phone. Again, without going into too much detail, suffice to say it was a long and highly emotional conversation. Basically, he said everything that I had been thinking, acknowledged everything that I needed acknowledged, and apologised for everything I had been hurt by... without my even needing to ask. And the bottom line is: Ryan wants to try again. So now it's up to me. The ball is back in my court.

I've always said I believe in second chances. There is a lot of work ahead for us. But I love him. But I will not be a doormat. But I choose to believe that he's willing to put in the effort necessary, and learn from this derailment. If something is going to last, you can't expect it to be all plain sailing, right? If something is going to be strong, you can't just abandon it when you reach a hurdle.

I know some people will hear this news and think "Egad! Munkey is being pathetic! He should kick this guy's ass to the curb!" But I can only go on the feelings of my heart. And basically, if I let our relationship die because of this, I'm only doing it to punish Ryan. Cutting off my nose to punish my face. The bottom line is, apart form the last few weeks, my life has been happier
with Ryan in it, than without.

As I was driving to have lunch with my family yesterday, all of this was churning in my mind. Just then, I passed a church whose sign - as if by providence (or at least coincidence) - read: FORGIVENESS IS THE KEY.

I think, for once, I may just agree with the Christians.

p.s. If anyone would like to speculate on why I had a very VERY dirty dream about
Martin Sheen/President Bartlett last night, I'd be interested to hear your thoughts.




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