19 January, 2010

bert loses his ernie

Life's funny, isn't it?

One minute you're celebrating recent professional successes, looking forward to Christmas and a promising New Year with your dear friends, family, and the love of your life. A month later, your relationship is over. The man you thought was the love of your life has fallen out of love with you and, before he's had the guts to properly end things with you, has started a new romance with a guy he met on Twitter.

Well, that's the short version anyway.

The long version is very long. It's a lot fairer to him, and a lot more honest about me. He didn't ditch me for a better prospect – it's much more complicated than that. And I wasn't the perfect boyfriend – but who is? Anyway, Byron and I are over. None of this was my choice, and I feel he went about ending it in a way that hurt me far more than was necessary. He was going through a lot, that led him to make the choices he did. He's still going through a lot now. But none of that is my story to tell. I can only offer my perspective, and that is to say that I don't think I was treated the way I deserve to be, and I'm incredibly fucking sad and angry about it.

Nothing can take away how important he's been in my life. Byron has made me happier and sadder, angrier and prouder than any single person in my life before. We are going to stay friends, even if there are moments when that isn't easy.

So now I'm trying to retrain my head, and my heart. I need to accept that all our conversations now will have shadows hanging over them, accept that (although I hope the entire world hears him sing some day) I'll never hear him sing for me the way he once did, accept that we're not going to hang out or kiss or fuck or watch TV or stupidly repeat nonsense words at the top of our lungs while laughing 'til we cry, in the way that we used to, anymore. And I need to accept that while I'm reminiscing about doing those things with him, he's probably already imagining doing them with someone else.

And that's hard. Because right now, even after being hurt so badly, I still miss what we had. I miss it like crazy.

So this, as it turns out, is the shape of my life in the final stretch to age thirty. Single (and, for my mental health, likely to remain that way for some time). Overweight (but ten kilos less than I was three months ago). Kicking goals for my career (most of the time). And surrounded by the most wonderful family and friends I could possibly hope for.

I'll be okay. Like I always am. I'm feeling pretty positive about the future, even if it isn't going to be the one I expected, or hoped for.

Onward and upward.



Blogger lili said...


January 19, 2010 12:24 pm  
Blogger Sam said...

Sorry to hear about this Paul. I know I've only just been a blog buddy of yours and Byron's but I believe you're both good guys and I'm sorry it hasn't worked out.

Also, this is a very honest and brave account of a difficult time. Blogging exactly as it should be.

FWIW, my advice as someone who came out of a l-t relationship a couple of years ago is that you need to find the opportunities among the crisis. Stick with the career goals and weight loss, surround yourself with those loving friends and family, and do something you've never done before but always wanted to.

And please keep up the interweb writing! x

January 19, 2010 12:46 pm  
Blogger The Mutant said...

There's probably little that I can, or really should say right now that'll improve this for you.

As cliched and idiotic as it sounds, time is the only solution. Just how much though I can't tell you.

Keep your chin up, after all the world is a better place merely for having your fantastic contribution to it!

January 19, 2010 2:51 pm  
Blogger mindlessmunkey said...

Thanks, everyone, for your kind thoughts. They are much appreciated.

January 22, 2010 9:54 am  
Blogger Spooky said...

Hi there. Long time reader, sporadic commenter.

Gosh. It's hard to do this without coming across as a freak-show, but I wanted to say that I really love your writing. Are you published?

For what it's worth, the comparison of yourself to the mono-browed Bert made me smile. [You're better looking. ;)] Somewhat inappropriate considering the context, I know, but I've been known to laugh during funerals, so...

I'm very sorry to hear about the break up. I hope your heart heals soon. x

January 22, 2010 9:53 pm  
Blogger mindlessmunkey said...

Thanks for your kind words, Spooky.

I was published in a couple of volumes of student work while at Uni, and I had a piece selected for 'Short', a compilation for young readers. I hope I'll have more in print some day.

Since Bert looks like Frida Kahlo crossed with a banana, I'm glad you think I'm better looking. :)

January 24, 2010 3:41 pm  
Anonymous Anonymous said...


February 10, 2010 8:33 pm  

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