08 August, 2006

a right royal shame

It is a truth universally acknowledged (by my immediate friends, at least) that every member of the British Royal Family becomes butt-fuck ugly somewhere between their late teens and their late twenties. Modern science has not been able to identify the exact source of this appallingly predictable Uglification Process within the Windsor genes (*COUGH*) but the evidence speaks for itself...

The Progression of Phil The Greek:

Did you see what happened there? From the Purity Of Youth to the Smile Of A Paedophile in just four pictures. Chilling.

Worse still, it's clear that once the Process begins, it never ends - it merely continues, and increases exponentially, until the welcome mercy of Death takes the poor Blue-Blooded Fug into its bosom once and for all.

Admittedly, it's difficult to build a strong case for the phenomenon using Charles, since he was always rather unfortunate-looking. But even despite what nature gave him, it's clear to see that the wallopings with the Royal Ugly Stick got harsher and harsher as the years progressed:

And his brothers didn't escape either:

Dear oh dear. But I hear what you're saying: What about those kids of Charles and Di?! Surely those PrettyBlondeGenes injected into the Incestuous German-Greek Mess did something to help the situation! Prince William is the Golden Boy of the Monarchy! All the hopes and dreams of the British Empire are pinned on him! And he's good-looking! Right? RIGHT?!
Well, let's take a look...

Cute Kid... Check.

Adorable Adolescent... Check. (Seriously I defy anyone to say they didn't want to give him a hug that day. Poor boy. Wub.)

Strapping Stripling... Check.

Dashing Young Man? ...Nurse! Nurse! We're losing him! It's started! There's no going back... Aaaaaargh!
It's over.


But what's that? There... is... another... Windsor!

Indeed: look at Harry! He seems to have escaped the family curse!

Encouraging. This might lead some cynics to suggest terrible things about his parentage (*COUGH*). And indeed Harry's run of good luck is quite remarkable, given the fates of those around him.

But wait! What's that on the horizon?! Could it be... the Windsor Family Ugly Stick?!
Yes, yes it is. My, how things can change in just a few short months. Such a pity. Maybe it's the military service that does it? Who knows. Either way, dear readers, we might as well accept it.
We have one Ugly MotherFuck of a Monarchy.


On a related note, have a look at this:

The first coin shows a young Lizzie II in a pleasant, soft-focus medium-close-up.
The second coin shows Betty with a couple more chins and a few more wrinkles. And it shows it all in tighter close-up, in greater detail.
This continues.
By the final coin (sorry bout the terrible photo above; grab a coin out of your pocket and have a look for yourself) we have the ageing Regina in all her terrible glory, rolls of face-flab and papery skin chiselled into the shiny metal in spine-tingling, close-up detail.

For the love of God why? This is cruel to everyone who views currency, not to mention cruel to the poor Monarch herself. Why, as she inevitably shows the signs of her advancing years, do these dastardly coin portraitists insist on zooming in and sharpening the focus. As she tiptoes through her ninth decade on earth, can't we grant the old dear a bit of a middle-distance/soft-focus/abstract/expressionist portrait, for the sake of dignity?

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Blogger Afe said...

A fascinating and important study into the uglification process, Munkey, you ought to be congratulated.

August 08, 2006 4:47 pm  
Blogger Jellyfish said...

Mister - this post is fabulous. FABULOUS!

I love it.


August 08, 2006 11:19 pm  
Blogger mindlessmunkey said...

Afe and Jelly - Many thanks for your support of my tireless Royal Uglification Research.

August 15, 2006 1:22 pm  

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