21 June, 2006

toiletiquette

Ladies are always complaining that they can't pee standing up. Believe me, my vagina-equipped friends, it's not that exciting. Sure, it can be handy if you're desperate and there's nothing around but trees. But it can also be an etiquette minefield, particularly when it comes to the distasteful topic of urinals (or uriiine-als as I recently, disturbingly, heard it pronounced).

I am a cubicle boy, not a urinal boy. There's sometheing about a row of men flopping out their tools and pissing on a steel wall that's just distasteful to me - not to mention the smell, or those weird-ass yellow gelatinous things. And let's not even get into splash-back issues.

Anyhoo... I was at a bar yesterday, and visited the "euphemism". From inside my cubicle I heard one guy, then another, enter and take their places at the urinal. The following conversation ensued...

2nd-Urinal-Guy: How you goin'?

1st-Urinal-Guy: Ahh not bad. Just standing here, holding my penis.

2nd-U-G: Ahh cool.

1st-U-G: Haven't started urinating yet though.

2nd-U-G: Yeh it can be a bit tough when someone's talking to you.

1st-U-G: Ahh - here we go!

2nd-U-G: You're right now - you've broken the seal.

[pause]

1st-U-G: It's funny isn't it, when it's such a small toilet - when there's only two spots at the urinal.

2nd-U-G: Yeh. Like usually there's an etiquette to it. The first guy always goes to the spot furthest from the door. And the next guy goes as far away from him as possible.

1st-U-G: Uh-huh - and then the third guy has to take the awkward spot in the middle.

2nd-U-G: Yeh. But when there's only two spots, it's awkward for everyone.

1st-U-G: Uh-huh.

Munkey's thoughts: It's only awkward if you choose to have an in-depth conversation about it! Whatever happened to Eyes To The Front, No Talking? When did it become acceptable to have a conversation about holding your dick and whether you have started urinating yet?!

Let this be definitive proof, dear readers: urinals - and the people who use them - are creepy.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Jellyfish said...

One of my former boyfriends has a story about using the urinal at a film premiere when Guy Pearce walked in and, in flagrant violation of urinal ettiquette, stood right next to him and proceeded to make eye contact and chat away. 'Nice film, hey? Talented director, isn't he?' My ex was torn between the thrill of talking to a famous person and feeling somewhat violated.

June 21, 2006 3:47 pm  
Anonymous ASTBURY said...

Munkey, isnt it great to just break the ice and exchange numbers while doing something that has to be done (urination)

I absolutely hate public toilets, i think the only funny thing about a public toilet is reading the messages that people leave on the walls lol, they can be very entertaining

July 12, 2006 1:35 pm  
Blogger mindlessmunkey said...

Jelly - Eye contact?! Oh that's so wrong. Mental note: Guy Pearce = Creepy.

astbury - You're right! I think most of my sexual education, as a young man, came from reading the graffiti on toilet walls.

July 13, 2006 12:44 pm  
Blogger Chris Llennarg, Urinalologist said...

Sir: We enjoyed your story and the thread about Guy Pearce. You may also find amusement in a forthcoming book: A Guide to the Urinal. This handy guidebook contains detail on types of urinals, etiquette, urinal science and much, much more. www.urinalology.net

September 11, 2006 10:46 pm  

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