for the person who has everything

Like most people, you probably have a troublesome friend, cousin or cult-comrade who is simply a nightmare to by gifts for. I know I do!

These people are usually either spoilt turds who have already been handed their every desire on a silver platter spit-polished by below-minimum-wage Malaysian pygmy servants, or are sociopathic loners who always insist they don't want presents and then spend hours bitterly cutting the eyes out of their family photographs after find their stocking empty on Christmas morning. I know I do!

Well lovers and dreamers, as usual, the intermanet has the solution. Behold: Parasite Pals!

Hostess Holly and her delightful entourage of life-sucking corporeal-vermin have a whole range of gift ideas including fashion, accessories and stationery. What little girl doesn't want to skip to school clutching a lunchbox emblazoned with Tickles The Tapeworm (whose hobbies include "growing longer")? Other characters include Blinky The Eyelash Mite (who enjoys collecting sunglasses), and Zzeezz The BedBug who describes himself as "laid back and open-minded".

Further exploration of online gift ideas by Mr Byron uncovered this wonderful site. Move over Amazon.com. Whether they're eccentric, ironic or just plain deranged, this gift-store has something for your loved-one. Par exemple...


This tin of 15 realistic bacon-stip band-aids! With a free toy in every box!


Wind-up sushi! Because why the fuck not?!


Fight for what's right with these Punching Nun puppets!


Do away with pesky excess ear-wax with this Swedish Ear Syringe! Why is it Swedish? I have no idea! I'm afraid to ask!

So what are you waiting for? Don't be a parasite! (even though Holly's are incredibly cute.) Give something back to the world. Give a gift that says "I love you". Or, if you're too emotionally crippled for that, at the very least you can give a gift that says, "I think you just might be enough of a fruit-loop to enjoy a 17-inch latex Vulture".