adventures in the slow state

In the immortal words of Samwise Gamgee: "Well, I'm back."

As you may or may not know, dear readers, I have recently been here:

Yes, five or six (actually both, at different times) of my lovely lady friends and I, traipsed up to Wonga Beach (about a half-hour North of Port Dougals) in Far North Queensland. We stayed in the delightfully eccentric surronds of Hasta Mañana.

We had our own pool and our own mango tree (if you're into that sort of thing). There were innumerable geckos, ugly little cane toads and a myriad really dumb beetles whose life purpose seemed to be to hurl themselves out of the sky, land flailing helplessly on their backs and then object (HSSS!) when you attempted to help them out. There was no mobile reception at the house, so we had to walk across the road to the beach (all of about 10 metres) to make calls. This resulted in Munkey, The Mistress and Ms Leah, in the dead of night, coming within MERE INCHES of treading on an unidentified but presumably deadly snake. We all know my feelings about serpents. Nasssty little critters. I was freaked-out.

On one of the days, we all went sailing on an authentic Chinese junk out to the Low Isles:

Now, at this timne of year, you're unfortunately not supposed to swim in the ocean. In summer, this part of the world is infested with deadly jellyfish. (Not Jellyfish but jellyfish). However we all wrapped ourselves in lycra, donned flippers and took the plunge. Yes even those of us mortally afraid of the Creatures Of The Sea went snorkelling. It was actually fantastic (although tiring - swimming with flippers is rough on the ankles!). We saw shitloads of coral and zany-lookin fish and even quite a few beautiful turtles. They looked exactly like that one in Finding Nemo, but didn't regale us with pseudo-hilarious profundities in an irritating surfy voice.

Now (apologies in advance to my few wonderful friends from Queensland, who are very sharp and on-the-ball) did you realise that the little slogan on all Qld number-plates is now "The Smart State"?! Exqueeze me, but who the fuck do they think they're kidding?! I think a Family Feud style survey of 100 people is in order: Which Australian State do you think of when you here the word "Smart"? How many of those people do you think would say Queensland?

After driving through the Daintree behind local drivers who felt compelled to come to a complete stop before braving the (incredibly treacherous?) ascent of a fucking everyday speedhump, our merry band decided on a much more appropriate motto for Queensland: The Slow State. Seriously, maybe it's just the Far North, but everything happens, everyone moves and thinks sssooo ssslllooowwwlllyyy. We suspect that our Far North is the equivalent of the US's Deep South. Something about the heat, perhaps?

Anyway, most of the week was spent far away from the oft-scary locals, in the cosy confines of our private compound. I found myself feeling a lot like Hugh Hefner, especially when wearing my dark satin smoking-jacket and surrounded by a bevy of buxoum beauties in bikinis (and occasionally out of them).

On that topic... seven words that will change the way the world thinks about entertainment: Captain Munkey's Amazing Aquatic Flying Boobie Circus.

That is all. HAPPY NEW YEAR!