21 December, 2005

who *wouldn't* want to help breed an army of invincible monkey-men?

You just know it's going to be an excellent day when Boing Boing is running an article including the words "monkey sperm in human volunteers".

We all knew Josef Stalin was a wacky guy. But
new documents have just come to light in Moscow, revealing his ambitions for breeding a half-monkey half-man super race. It seems 1920s Russian biologist Ilya Ivanov, under orders from Zany-Joe, was given $200,000 and packed off to West Africa. He was told to cease his work on the artificial-insemination of racehorses, and concentrate instead on breeding this race of super-primate warriors who would be "invincible ... insensitive to pain, resistant and indifferent about the quality of food they eat."

The idea was that they would replenish the severely depleted Red Army, and also be willing workers in Russia's new Five Year Plan. An army of rampaging Communist munkeys! Can you imagine anything better?!

Not-remarkably, Ivanov's efforts to impregnate human women with ape-sprog were largely unsuccessful. But hey, now we live in a world of genetic engineering, DNA synthesis and other such marvels. I've seen that cartoon bit in Jurassic Park - I know this kind of God-playing can be done, that cute animated double-helix said so. So perhaps this is an option to be explored by SeƱor Bush, et al. He can't keep pumping human cannon-fodder into Iraq forever. As long as we can turn these hideous monkey-man beasts into Christians instead of Communists, I think this could be right up Bush's alley.

I can see the job advertisement now...
WANTED: Freedom-loving, ultra-patriotic, Christian ladies to be knocked up with chimp jizm, for the glorious good of the United States of America.

Don't all put your hands up at at once, girls.




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