10 December, 2005

of balls and braincells

Well, they went and did it. Scientists at New York's Syracuse University have conducted an extensive study of bat testicles (an idea which in itself boggles the mind) and concluded that the male body has the capacity either to develop and maintain a large intelligent brain, or large fertile testes... but not both.

Because of the high-energy demands of both brains and sperm, scientists believe males cannot generate large amounts of both. ... "Because relatively large brains are metabolically costly to develop and maintain, changes in brain size may be accompanied by compensatory changes in other expensive tissues," wrote Dr Scott Pitnick.

(Is it wrong that, upon hearing this news, I instantly began thinking about the guys I've "known" and whether their brain-ball ratio supports the theory?)

Now I'm sure this is a typically defensive male "I have a degree but my nuts ain't tiny" viewpoint - but surely it has less to do with the actual size/mass of the organ, and more to do with its productivity. I'm willing to believe there are guys out there with massive swingers who are shooting blanks, so surely large doesn't necessarly mean useful. I'm equally sure there are high-IQ doctors and philosophers out there who sport bulging gonads. However I'm more than willing to believe that high brain-cell development accompanies piss-weak sperm production, and vice versa... You only need to look at how many borderline-retarded bumpkins seem able to pump out offspring like rabbits.

Meanwhile my pop-culture-poisoned mind must pose an important question with regard to this theory: What is going on with Tom Cruise? We all know he's freakin
insane - not much going on upstairs. And we also all know there's not much going on downstairs. (Don't point to the fact that he supposedly knocked-up Katie Holmes, because frankly if you believe that relationship is real, you'll believe anything - even this.) So if the "expensive tissue" hypothesis holds up, where exactly are his tissue-efforts being expended? Are we to assume perhaps, that Tom Cruise has an incredibly developed and productive spleen?

I shall leave you to ponder, lovers and dreamers.

Don't make me choose!




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