07 November, 2005

when the levee breaks

Today, Mr Ryan Mac and I should have done a 12,000 foot skydive over the glorious scenery of Lake Wanaka, South Island, New Zealand.

It is after 11pm right now. I have been crying uncontrollably for most of the evening. It's hard to pinpoint exactly what has been the catalyst for this long-overdue catharsis. I think the would-be date of our planned "taking-the-plunge" is purely coincidental. Perhaps it's because my boss (a family friend) drew me aside this morning and asked if I had been having problems lately, and if there was anything he could do to help. It's not the kind of thing you can tell your boss, even if he is a family friend. But maybe it was a jolt that showed me once and for all that I'm not functioning at full capacity recently.

At any rate, what it boils down to is: I miss Ryan. He may have lied to me and taken from me and he may now have been sent to The Big House (quite possibly with good reason)... but dammit I'm not ashamed to say it. I miss him. I miss the person he was when I saw him at his best. I miss the months of happiness and love that we shared. I miss the way he would reach over and play with the back of my hair while I was driving, and the way he would stretch his neck out, his lips in a mischievous puckered smile, when he wanted me to kiss him. I miss the way he prompted me to do crazy, spontaneous things, and the new perspective on people I got from spending time with him and his friends. I miss the inevitable smile on my face whenever I was with him. I miss the totally-indefinable, seemingly-insignificant moments of affection that made our relationship incredibly special. I miss his thick strong arms, his crooked shining smile, his twinkling eyes in their lush forest of lashes. I miss him.

But the reality is that he destroyed the life that we were building together. He allowed himself to get swept away in an ocean of stupidity and dishonesty, leaving me lying on the sandy shore in the sun, thinking that the warmth would never end. By the time I realised he was lost in the outgoing tide, it was too late to do anything. I could never even ask what happened. There was no shouting, crying, fighting. It was just over, and he was no longer the person I had thought he was... perhaps he never truly had been.

As my beloved Ms Snazzles so wisely noted - i'm sure this lack of any feeling of resolution to the relationship is the reason it has taken me so long for this catharsis to hit. But here it is. And I will not attempt to stifle the flow. If I must cry a pool of tears and tread-water until the sun comes out again, that is what I'll do. I need this.

In time, Rye, you will fade back into the darkness, and my life will go on. I am standing in the place where I am. I am facing forward.




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