i feel shitty, oh so shitty

Well, I went and did it. After all my bitching and moaning when others did it to me... after vowing I would never fall into the trap of needlessly hurting someone, here I am. *manthrax munkey* All men are bastards; add me to the list.

For those of you who didn't know, I had recently been seeing a lovely young man, who we'll call Mr Daz. We only met a week or so ago, but we both felt a strong connection there and wanted to see more of each other. All the sensible voices rang in munkey's head saying: don't rush into anything, you're still smarting from the Mr Ryan slap, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MUNKEY, YOU'RE NOT READY!

But Mr Daz is so lovely! There is not a bad bone in his body. He wouldn't hurt a fly. He wouldn't swat a mosquito that gave malaria to his first-born child. He's the kind of boy who, on lunchbreaks, buys markdown bread from Coles and feeds it to ducks and swans in the park. Munkey would be a goshdarned fool to pass-up the opportunity to be with a guy like this, right?

So we meet. We spend time. We like each other. A lot. Mr Daz likes me. A WHOLE lot. Suddenly I find myself on a pedestal. Suddenly I find myself in a relationship. Suddenly I find myself smiling encouragement as Mr Daz dives into the deep end. But I am still wallowing at the shallow-end, struggling to inflate my floaties.

By the time I realise that this is all wrong for me - that everyone was right: it is too soon and i do need to be single - it is too late. Someone else's heart is too deeply involved. I have to face the harsh reality: I need to end this before Mr Daz gets in even deeper; the longer I wait, the worse it will be for him.

*Skip to the end...*

I am single again. Mr Daz is confused and devastated. I feel like an A-Grade Cunt, which I probably am.

So, lovers and dreamers, I guess the point of this entry is simply to offer my unmitigated apologies. I want to apologise to the guys I got bitter at in the past, when they cut short a budding romance with me. (Yes, I'm talking about one person in particular - he reads my blog and he knows who he is.) I understand now what it's like to have the shoe on the other foot, and it's not as easy as it looks.

And above all, of course, I want to apologise to Mr Daz. You didn't do anything but follow your heart, and I stomped on it. I know it doesn't mean much now, but I am deeply sorry.

p.s. It's probably karma (pre-emptive karma, i think, because it started on Monday) but I feel like ratshit right now. I think I have a throat infection. My glands are like two rockmelons sitting in my neck. It hurts to even swallow water. Woe is me.


Come forth with your flaming torches and pitchforks. Hunt me down and chase me to the old mill. I am indeed a monster.

~~~~~~~