20 November, 2007

why do hippies want me to put foul-tasting things in my mouth?

So Byron has decided modern life is filled with far too many harmful chemicals. He's almost certainly correct. He's decided we need to eliminate as many as possible of these chemicals from our home.
This is fine.

It means we have abandoned the
Pantene and Imperial Leather from our shower, to be replaced with all-natural, organic products.
This is fine. I'm actually becoming rather fond of mandarin-blossom body wash and aluminium-free peppermint deoderant.

It also means our kitchen is filled with ungodly things like organic quinoa and non-GM soy yoghurt.
This is fine. My diet has been terrible for ages, and I'm open to improving it (although soy is not, and never will be, a substitute for dairy. I would rather no dairy at all than a soy imitation).

Additionally, it means we are now forbidden from cleaning the bathroom with anything other than white vinegar and baking soda.
This is fine. (I will keep a secret stash of
Exit Mould under my bed.)

Unfortunately, it also means fluoride is now considered the work of the devil, so the trusty ole Colgate is out the door, to be replaced with "holistic" toothpaste. 'What flavour is this new, harmful-chemical-free toothpaste?' I hear you ask?

Let me tell you: Lemon and Salt.

Lemon. And salt.

This is not fine. Imagine, if you will, how bad lemon and salt toothpaste could possibly taste, then double it. Imagine doing a tequila shot, but instead of downing a shot of tequila between the salt and the lemon, you take a big bite out of a cake of pure, white soap. Salt, lemon and soap. Then spread it all over your mouth for a few minutes with a small brush. Now you're in the ballpark.

I'm all for living organically, eliminating carcinogens and purifying your environment, but I draw the line at combining two of Mother Nature's most unpleasant tastes and turning them into an oral hygiene product.

To lemon-and-salt flavoured toothpaste: Australia Says No.

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Blogger JahTeh said...

Never trust a turtle to do an organic mother's job. Buy Orris root powder from the health shop and combine that with salt. Orris root is sweet for the breath and salt cleans the teeth.

November 20, 2007 5:03 pm  
Blogger Ariel said...

That's awful. Before you got to the toothpaste, you had me going 'yes, I really know I should be doing that'. Well done you on making the big change. But I think I might need to stick with my Pantene and Colgate a while longer ...

November 21, 2007 8:58 am  
Blogger Byron said...

Before you turn the world against natural toothpaste, perhaps everyone should know that I bought you your own special girly, minty toothpaste which is still fluoride and sulfate free. I just happen to like the lemon an salt one.

November 21, 2007 2:44 pm  
Blogger mindlessmunkey said...

jahteh - Thanks for the tip.

ariel - Don't let me put you off the idea altogether. As Byron points out above, he did also find a not-at-all dastardly minty organic toothpaste as well.

byron - Yes yes, fair point - you did provide me with a nicer-tasting alternative. But frankly that doesn't make anywhere near as fun a story.
Also: you cannot possibly like the lemon and salt one. Perhaps, while using it, you are able to endure the experience by chanting its benefits in your head like a mantra, trying not to gag and vomit. But you cannot possibly like it.

November 21, 2007 3:07 pm  
Blogger JahTeh said...

Munkey, if you really want to turn the tables on Byron, find a nice tarnished piece of brass and rub it with lemon and salt and watch it shine, then imagine what it's doing to tooth enamel.

November 23, 2007 10:00 pm  

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