spoilt rotten

(N.B. This post does NOT contain Harry Potter spoilers. Because only a first-rate fuck-hole would spoil a highly anticipated book the day before it comes out.)

So, whether the earlier internet leaks were genuine or not, the secrets of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows are definitely out of the bag now. The New York Times received a copy, and published a spoiler-laden review. Great. Thanks guys. Why would you do that?! As Audrey asks: What's wrong with people? Why can't you just shut your damn trap for one more day?

I have avoided the Harry spoilers so far, and I endeavour to keep it that way. However, based on past experiences, it's not going to be easy; I am a veritable magnet for spoilers. It seems I hardly ever get to see/read anything without knowing what's going to happen in advance. For much of my life, this was due almost exclusively to my mother, who I often banned from talking about movies/books/TV shows at all, so incapable was she of keeping secret twists to herself. I remember when the Lord Of The Rings movies were first announced - a cause of some excitement in my family. Despite growing up with The Hobbit, I had not yet got round to reading the books...
[screen goes all swirly and harp music plays]

me - So I'm going to start reading them now, to make sure I've finished all three before the first movie opens.
mum - Are they making them as a trilogy?
me - Yup. To be released one year apart.
mum - Ah, so the first installment will end just after the death of Gandalf in the Mines of Moria.
me - Don't tell me that!
mum - Oh, don't worry. He comes back.
me - DON'T TELL ME THAT!

[end flashback]
Similarly with the previous Harry Potter books, because I'm such a slow/slack reader, I've never had the real excitement of wondering what the final pages contain. This time is different! A bunch of my beloveds and I are all gathering together tomorrow, to have the book read aloud by Ms Snazzles (whose reading-aloud skills are well documented), so we can ooh and ahh and grr together. (And if we don't finish it in our group session - nearly 800 pages seems a big ask in one day - I shall make Byron read it to me at home. He hasn't agreed to this yet, but he will because he loves me and I DON'T WANT TO MISS OUT THIS TIME.)

I'm really looking forward to it - not so much the book itself, but the shared experience of childlike anticipation and excitement. There's not enough of it in life, so I intend to savour this event for all its worth.

Thus if anyone spoils the ending of the book for me, I will personally hunt them down, along with their entire family, and mince them all with a pair of hedge-trimmers. There's not a jury in the world that would convict me.