the phrase "unmitigated fucking disgrace" springs to mind

Smoshka Night has a habit of being an event of giddy highs and soul-crushing lows. This year, the non-related munkey-family did it in style with a Pink Theme, in honour of all the queer films nominated. Munkey himself was decked out in a Wonka-inspired candy-pink frock coat, while other outfits included Snazzles in a breathtaking 80s gay-cowboy's-housewife outfit, and Lady Lilikens decked out in a pink plastic tracksuit that was quite simply jaw-dropping.

Rosé, pink champagne, musk sticks and Iced Vo-Vos were all on the Pink menu, while your intrepid blogger impressed everyone with his 70s-kitsch serviette-folding abilities (Yes, I am a fag. Deal). The 4th Semi-Annual Smoshka Awards themselves were delightful, with Star Wars: Episode III - Rehash of the Shit winning some well-deserved "should-never-have-been-made" type awards, and Orlando Bloom making it back-to-back Worst Actor awards. Meanwhile it was a head-to-head battle between the munkey and the Jellyfish as frontrunners in the world-famous Smoshkas Quiz... but I have no shame in admitting that Jelly thoroughly creamed me.

Oh yes, and of course there was an actual awards show going on during all this too. Oh how a wonderful night can be ruined by a single word uttered from Jack Nicholson's sneering lips. I am still prone to spew forth bile and vitriol if I say too much, so let's have a pictorial tour of the evening's events:


Classy. As. Hell.


Not so much... and yet still strangely wonderful.


A talented actress of miscellaneous/interchangeable Oriental extraction.


Very funny man.


Not so much.


Rumours that Nicole Kidman has been replaced by a talentless ice-breathing android are completely unfounded.


Too much fake tan!


Cute!


As a gay man, is it wrong that I find this slightly arousing?


TOO MUCH FAKE TAN!!!


A long-overdue and richly-deserved award for many years of mesemrising performances in cutting-edge roles.


Not so much. But still, it was a good performance, and she's just as cute as a button, ain't she?

Ahhh here's the moment we've all been waiting for: Best Picture...


Even though I wouldn't call it the Best picture of the year per se, it's nice to see the Academy's top award go to a solid, understated piece of cinema dealing with queer issues (finally!) in a tasteful and compassionate way.

I'm sorry? What was that? WHAT DID JACK NICHOLSON JUST SAY?!


Crash?! Fucking CRASH?! Fucking cunts! CUNTS! Fucking Academy - Los Angeles WANKERS fucking chickening out at the LAST FUCKING MINUTE from making a stand and bringing a serious, largely-unacknowledged issue into the light (hello, gay men in the closet?! HMMM NOW WHY WOULD HOLLYWOOD BE SENSITIVE ABOUT OPENING THAT TOPIC UP FOR DISCUSSION? I WONDER!!!) and instead going with a FUCKING SHITFUL LAMEASS MAGNOLIA RIP-OFF that serves up CLICHÉS GALORE to ASSUAGE their FUCKING CUNTING MIDDLE-CLASS WHITE GUILT about racism. AGAIN!! HYPOCRITICAL SHITTING FUCKING CUNTS...

Whoops. Looks like we ended up in bile-and-vitriol territory again. Ah well, these things happen.

(In the interests of journalistic integrity - always a high priority here at VotM - I must admit that I haven't actually seen Crash. However I believe my opinions are quite justified, having been cobbled together from those of my various loved-ones who have seen it. Suffice to say even those who liked it thought it was a travesty that Crash was even nominated for Best Picture, let alone winning the damn thing.)

Well I guess that's the Munkey Oscar wrap for another year, lovers and dreamers. Let's keep our fingers crossed for a little less bad plastic surgery, a little more political conscience (we have some hope in the forms of Clooney, Stewart et al) and a whole shitload more integrity from the Academy voters next year.

Oh who are we kidding? This is Hollywood! Top up my champagne and hand me that syringe full of botox! Hurrah!